The Calm After The Storm

Let me get a little personal and sentimental and take you back. 1 year from this very moment. I am sitting here at 12:30 a.m. on July 19th (I will regret starting a blog so late in the morning but oh well, right?) feeling a little sad, a little happy, a little guilty, a lot blessed, and clearly, very, very emotional. Very.

One Year ago on July 18th, Ryan and I went to dinner and a movie (Wedding Crashers, maybe? Not important I suppose...) with our friends to kill some time until my 1:00 a.m. appointment to be induced. I called the hospital during dinner to make sure everything was set, and they had no trace of me coming in that night. The Doctor's office booked me at the wrong hospital. I called the Doctor, on his cell phone, FRANTIC because the baby needed to come out pronto. He made some calls and called me back saying I was set, thankfully, but I should have known I was in for a long night. And then a long day. And then another long night.

Let me take you back a little further. About 9 months. Ryan and I bought our Herovan and headed to Oregon to pick it up. I mentioned before that this was where we got a new van and a new baby. An unplanned, unexplained new baby. We are that .1% that gets pregnant with a condom. I also concieved about 4 days after I should have started my very regular period (too much information? maybe so, but I need you to fully understand just how much of a surprise he really was...). Also, it was about 4 weeks until Ryan was due to be "snipped". So the very last possible chance for a baby to slip in there.

I spent the next 9 months an emotional wreck. I really wanted to be done after 4. I really needed to be done after 4. I never planned on having 5 kids and I was certain that emotionally and mentally I could not in any way handle 5 kids. I was spread thin. I didn't want to wear maternity clothes again, I didn't want to be sick, I didn't want to disrupt the structure Ryan and I had worked so hard to create for our family. I also spent those 9 months feeling horribly guilty because I was growing a perfectly healthy baby in my belly and I wasn't excited. While I was pregnant my sister-in-law told us she had been struggling with getting pregnant for a few years. They had been trying and trying and were getting more help, medically, to hopefully get pregnant. That made me feel even worse. So many women in the world trying, desperately to concieve a child and here I was sad to have concieved one. I cried myself to sleep and woke up still crying. I was depressed I was pregnant and I was depressed I was depressed about being pregnant. I worried about never loving the baby. I even had some anger that I had to do it all again. I had just finished having 4 babies within 5 1/2 years and physically my body was maxxed out. I was a mess. I tried so hard to be happy and just accept it but it was very difficult. I doubted myself. I am a spiritual person. I felt so strongly that my family was complete after Sunny but then, against all odds, I get pregnant again and I doubted what I thought was personal revelation. It was a very difficult time, and it was even worse that I knew that it should be a happy time. It was hard that the kids were so excited, it almost made me mad. I waited a bit before I told anyone because I needed to be able to talk about it without breaking down completely. I really worried that I just couldn't do it.

Everyone told me that after some time passed I would begin to get excited but that never came. I just grew more worried and afraid. I felt totally unprepared for a baby, yet I already had 4 of them. I was a pro, right?

My labor was long. Very long. About 20 hours, compared to my typical 7 hour average. Ryan told me recently he was terrified all through labor thinking "Oh my gosh, I am going to have to raise this baby all by myself, she really isn't going to do this" and I was thinking the same thing. I was okay with how long things were taking because I still wasn't ready.

It was the first labor and delivery that Ryan and I were alone for, with the other kids my Mom was there or Ryan's Mom or both. This time I requested that no one be there. I was emotional and I wanted it to be just Ryan and I so I could feel like I could break down a little more if I needed to.

When it was finally time to push I took a deep breath in and thought "ready or not" in the middle of my deep breath, the Doctor and nurses yelled for me to stop, I thought "Stop? I haven't even started!". The Doctor told me to reach down and pull him onto my chest, so I did. With all my other kids, I pulled the baby out, had a quick look and then the baby was whisked away to be checked out. This was the first time that they left him there. At first I asked Ryan to please take him. And he wouldn't. I begged and through his tears he said he would not take him. Then he told me that the baby was so beautiful. I finally looked down and I started to cry, pretty hysterically actually, and like a flood it finally hit me. I needed this baby. I held him tight and said one of my most humble prayers. For 9 months I thought that I was right and the Lord was wrong, that he had made some sort of mistake with this "surprise" pregnancy. Silly me. They left him there on my chest for about 10 minutes. A very crucial 10 minutes, for us to do 9 months worth of bonding... and we did. I held him and cried and knew in that moment that my life had been changed forever. That now my family was complete. I knew right then that I needed that special "surprise" spirit. All the doubts I had for all those months vanished. I had new emotions, gratitude, humility, love. I felt blessed and so happy to have that sweet baby.

I don't feel ashamed of how I felt about the pregnancy. I feel like it was a necessary lesson for me. I needed to know that as much as I think I am, I am not always, in fact hardly ever, in charge. And that the Lord knew that as a wife and a mother, I could indeed handle not only what I already had, but more. I had more faith in myself as a Mom. I learned that sometimes what I think is best, isn't always what is best. Thank goodness the Lord didn't listen to me on this one and went his own direction.

Finley Ryan completed our family one year ago today. I thought having one more baby would make me crazy, when in fact it is that one baby, surprise #5, that keeps me sane. When life is crazy, and it always is, I have my Finn to hold and hug and just know that everything is okay, and if it isn't okay just yet, well, it will be eventually. Ethan has Tyler, Calvin has Sunny, and I have my Finny. I love all my kids, but with Finn, it's different. We have a different bond, he came to me because he knew I needed him. We all did.

Happy Birthday, Finn. I'm so happy you could join us.